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A lil something For those with brain fog
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oftimes I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "Who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
~Author Unknown
Sometimes you have to try to find some humor in this illness to be able to get beyond what we truelly feel inside. It seems we laugh at our own expense but really what we are doing is laughing at the reality of it all. We hear and read of people's experiences and think it is funny because we relate so well to what we are being told. We know what it feels like to look at someone , knowing full well who they are and not be able to remember for the life of us , what this person's name is. We may be driving down a familiar road and for an instant find ourselves not knowing where we are. It is silly , yet it can be very frightning. Imagine how it feels not being able to remember the simplist of words that we say normally all the time. Easy ones like our childrens names , what our birthdate is , or even where we live. The most frustrating for me is not being able to explain to anyone how I am feeling at that particular moment. There are no words in most cases how we feel. Our minds may be thinking one way but our physical responses to these thoughts don't always come out the way we would think they should. We feel like talking but can't find the energy to think of anything to say. . . we draw blanks in our minds. It can be quite embarrassing to say the least. We feel like cleaning , working around the house, cooking, & going out places, but yet even if our mind say "yes" our bodies often times say "no". It is very easy to become homebound this way. I have that happen so often. It is painful to me to feel that way. I want to join in with friends and family at get togethers , or go out to lunch but at times I just can't.
They don't understand that as it may be upsetting or dissappointing for them , it is even more so for us to not be able to feel well enough to participate. It becomes a low point for us emotionally to feel like we are letting them down , and sometimes we feel we are letting ourselves down. Some of us can go out and do things but find with every day of events comes the aftermath of pain to follow. Then there are some of us who are fortunate enough to be able to do almost anything with occasional bouts of pain and fatigue.
But there seems to be common ground we share in this , and that is we all desire to not let it take everything from us. We have dreams , desires and goals too. We strive for those . Every day we go out , every ball game , function , reunion , going to the store , or even just going outside for fresh air can be a total accomplishment for us. That gives us hope and pride.
The levels and degrees of this illness vary from one person to another. Ther are some who walk freely , some in canes ,walkers or wheel chairs. Some who jog , some who work and some that don't. We are single or married. Male or female. We are all different . We even suffer differently. We are treated medicinally different by doctors or specialists. We feel pain either in common areas or in not so common areas. We are from different countries, ethnic backrounds and cultures. The one thing that bonds us together is the Chronic pain and Fatigue that is Fibromyalgia, MPS and CFIDS . We find solice in our friendships with one another and we all seem to share the faith that there will be a cure someday and thru our pain , we may help pave a way for hope for future generations.
I believe that God has a purpose for me with this illness. I never blamed Him for it , but have found myself asking "why". I may never ever know the reasoning. It is hard to let go and let God at times , especially when I am hurting. I found myself very ill with it all a couple weeks ago and felt so low . I found myself asking "Why me?" "What did I do to deserve this." But then I had to remember what Jesus said to His Father on the cross."Why , Why has thou forsaken me?"
I have to remind myself that He suffererd far worse than I. He paid a price far beyond what I would want to bear physically. I may hurt , throw up , ache and cry "why me" but I have to think of all He did for me. I have to stop and think , no matter how hard at times ,That my life is now . I am breathing and living. I have a purpose to live through it. I have a husband and a son who need me, a family and friends who care. I have met so many great people since my diagnosis who have helped me cope and a Faith that keeps me focused. I am not perfect or supernatural, I am human with heart , feelings , pain and dreams. I only hope that I make a person's day by being there to help them get thru the day, just to make the load a bit easier for them to carry. I have been humbled by this illness , a lesson in itself! I treasure my new found friendships so dearly and found a new life in the midst of the death of my old one. I miss alot of the things I use to do , and a lot of people I have lost along the way. You loose touch with people when you are sick and time passes by so quickly. It is hard to keep up with everyday life let alone keep in touch with everyone who doesn't live it. You hope and pray they understand , sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. It is hard , but you learn that life is short and it is not selfish to put your health first and take care of your own needs from time to time. You find the people in your life that do understand and that makes you stronger. If you have one true friend who does , They are worth all of it. But even when you feel alone , there is always ONE who knows exactly what you are feeling and knows your pain. Remember in your darkest hour He is there for you, waiting for you to call out to Him. He will never leave you , nor forsake you!